My Eating Disorder and Body Image Story: A Year Later Update

Last year I told you guys my eating disorder story including how I have been recovering and the place I was at last summer. Last summer, I left off with feeling good about my body. I was out of the eating/image bad zone and I kept the mindset I had planned, to just be me, and be a healthy person. So let's get in to how this year has been for me. 

When going back to school, I felt really good during the fall. I did gain some weight and it went up and down, but I didn't really have any negative thoughts pop up a lot. My class schedule being crazy and having a great place to go home to left me not going out as much and not walking to class as much either meaning I did feel a little bad sometimes when I felt I wasn't active enough. Once the term ended and I went home, I finally weighed myself. I was 165 by Christmas time and I felt amazing. Being home for that month and changing the food I ate since I was home was great for my body. I was feeling great. I finally deleted My Fitness Pal and stopped counting my calories. I had been logged in for 3 and a half years straight. 

After the holidays and getting back for the winter term, I was determined to get out more. It was pretty similar to fall quarter. I did have the extra voice in the back of my head telling me to stay the same weight. I also did have some more body image issues pop up at this time though. During the Winter Formal, I felt very big which was not fun in those photos. I kept having to tell myself that it was my time of the month and that's why I was breaking out and a little bloated. I kept on with eating normal and doing my workouts, pushing those bad thoughts to the back of my mind. 

It was Spring Break time! I went to Texas with Amelia and had a blast. There were some bad things that came with this trip. I started my period so I was super bloated, with travelling only adding to that. The first couple of days I was okay with the photos I was taking, but by the middle I wasn't. I felt terrible in those photos and started to nitpick every detail. I also started to restrict certain foods because I was thinking they were making me look bigger. I had to reevaluate yet again. After the trip, I felt better, but at the time, it was horrible. 

Spring term was a ride. I was up and down with my emotions the whole term and was stressed out to the max. I did start to have the same feelings again like I did during the break, but with everything going on it wasn't at the top of my mind. I felt meh and with depression and stress I saw my body take that toll that it did not need. I was so ready for summer and to start really trying again to be a little more fit just not obsessive. 

Now Summer 2018. During my vacation time, right after I left SCAD, I felt the same way I did during Texas. I felt sick and did not really want to be on vacation. With already knowing this feeling, I knew it would go away, but I felt like I was gaining weight. Once I got home, I realized that it was the travel, food, and my body going from certain foods to so many others. 

After I got home and started eating what I normally do, I felt fantastic. I checked my weight and I was shocked to be at 160! I was 10 pounds from my goal weight and all this time I thought I gained more weight. I was working out, eating good, and feeling great. Around my birthday or about a week before, I did start to feel bloated and big again. I was thinking it just my period and it'd go away. I started right after my birthday, so I was going through PMS during my birthday. I didn't feel right in those photos and I wished I looked like I did two weeks before. I did gain a couple of pounds from my birthday, so I felt very meh about it. After those festivities, I noticed the bloating and the extra stuff I saw was not going away. I started to see the body image disorder coming back, so the whole month of August I felt terrible about my body. Some days were fine, but others not so much. I even started to count calories in my head which I haven't done at all this year. 

I have been trying to go back to good thoughts and thinking about what makes me beautiful. I am starting to feel better again as I write this. My theory to everything coming back is that my period is off. I did start it at the end of the last month, but I noticed once I did, all the bloating and everything from the whole month went down. My body was going through a weird phase and I finally know why. 

With my body feeling on track again and my mind starting to feel better, I am determined to not feel this way for a long time. I just have to think again that I will always have these thoughts pop back up from time to time. Even with recovering from Ortorexia, I will still have those lingering thoughts cloud my mind. I haven't been restricting myself when it comes to food or been beating myself up for not getting my workout in. I feel good at the place I am at. I lost the weight I gained from my birthday and I am on track to my goal weight. I will not do anything differently than what I have been doing, so I will not go back to those habits. 

It takes time to recover, but even a year later, I am proud that I have gotten this far and I love my body for what it is. 

If any of you guys are struggling with an eating disorder or body image, seeking help and talking to others is the first step to getting better. 

Here is the first part of my story if you haven't read it yet.

The Whole Story

I will see you guys on Friday when I will be driving back down to Savannah!