My Eating Disorder and Body Image Story

I have been trying to figure out how to write about this subject. I feel like it's important to share because maybe it can help people. Eating disorders and body image issues are somewhat taboo subjects, but they need to be addressed and talked about. Here is my story and how I have overcome and controlled it.

The beginning of a bad body image.

My battle with my body has been a major part of my life since I started puberty. When I was a kid I was a tooth pick. I was so skinny. Around age 10 my body really changed, as did my appetite. I used to be super picky when it came to food, but then I started to like different foods and could eat a lot more. This was a good thing, but I did not think it would change my body so much. From the tall lanky kid I was I grew hips, a stomach, and boobs. At the age of 11 I was a B cup and by the time I was 13 I was already a DD. So going from being skinny to having curves really messed with my mind. My body image problems did not start right away but as I got older they started to really develop. I think they began once I started sixth grade. That was a major transition for me.

When I got to middle school I started to notice my body and hate it. I saw my stomach as too big. It stuck out too much. I was really self conscious about my boobs. I got yelled at about what I wore. I would get into trouble because I had too much cleavage. I hated my body for it. I was not active at all, I hated working out and did not like exercise. I started eating really bad, and did not really watch what I was putting in my mouth. So I did some real damage to my body and my mind. I hated my clothes and that I kept going up in sizes. I remember crying in fitting rooms and at home when trying to buy clothes and figure out what I was going to wear. Whenever I had to go bra shopping (which was regularly), I would start crying when I had to go up a size. I could not fit into normal bras anymore. I had to go to Sonny Jays, which is a specialty shop that carries my size. The manager was the only one who could calm me down and she still helps me today. By the end of middle school I was 160 pounds and a GG cup size. I hated my body and I wanted to change it. 

Once I started high school I saw the damage I did and wanted to change. Freshman year I decided to do track & field and really try. I was so focused on getting my letter and losing some weight. I did lose about 5 to 10 pounds, but I didn't change my eating. I could eat a McDonald's salad and then chase it down with a cheeseburger. I was disappointed in myself and I knew that I needed to really start doing more. That is when I tried out for cheer-leading and made it. That's when it all changed and not necessarily for the better. 

The beginning of my eating disorder: Orthorexia 

I poured my heart into cheer, and I focused my weight. I was so focused on getting better and making the cheer competitive team. I started working out on my own and a lot at practice. I started seeing changes in my body and I was so happy. I was getting toned and my breast size was going down. I also started to become obsessive. I started watching what I ate all the time, and would not eat a lot of certain foods. I wouldn't eat any fast food, processed food. I could eat only organic or what I felt was OK for my body. I counted my calories religiously. I hated going out to dinner and would never eat what my parents made me. I don't remember when it really started but it got bad. I started working out so much that it was really unhealthy. By the time competitive cheer started, I was down to 135 pounds. I was so happy but when I looked at myself in the mirror all I would see was fat and other problems. I would barely eat and I was so hungry after practice I would end up binge eating whatever I had in my fridge. I still hated my body and I wanted to be at the 130 mark, but could never reach it. I put my friends and family through so much shit, and I could never see it. 

Body Dysmorphia

After cheer ended during my sophomore year, I started to gain weight again and I didn't understand why. I did make cheer again my junior year but we didn't condition as much as the year before. I still worked out like crazy and ate the way I did, but could not understand why I was gaining weight. I was still so obsessed and started getting depressed because of my weight which affected my social and school life. This went on all throughout my junior year. My body weight would go up and down and I was still obsessive over everything. 

The one photo where I felt beautiful. 

Everything went downhill during my senior year My biggest fear came true. I didn't make cheer and all the weight I lost freshman, sophomore, and junior year came back. I was not as obsessed with food or working out like I was the past few years but I still would not eat certain foods and would work out a lot. Since I still was doing so much work I could not understand why I gained the weight back. I would blame myself for eating something bad or having too much of something. Then I started to binge certain foods like sweets. I would chew up a whole box of cookies and spit out the food in cups or the trash. I did this until I left for college. My body was still toned just with extra fat. What I really hated was buying clothes in bigger sizes. My boobs had gone back to being a GG and eventually to a H. When I looked back at photos from dances and special occasions I would break down crying and would have the same fits I had before. I used to hit my stomach, throw punches at the parts of my body I hated. I would bite my arms when I felt pain. That's when I decided that I needed to go to therapy.  

Therapy was the best decision I have ever made. My therapist helped me with not just my body dysmorphia and orthorexia, but with my depression and anxiety as well. By the end of senior year and the summer after I was getting better with everything. I started eating regularly again and was not as horrible about what I ate or how much I worked out. I did have ups and downs, good and bad days. But I could tell I was getting better. 

I had overcome my orthorexia by the time I started at SCAD. I still had issues with how my body looked but I really tried to lose some weight during the fall quarter and not gain the freshman fifteen. I was happy with my body and was proud of myself for losing weight. Then, during the break, I started to gain weight again. After I got up to 186, I did a program at the gym which made me weigh myself every week. Not a good thing. I could feel my problems that I had in the past start to rise again. I started to go back to patterns that I did before. Winter quarter was not the best. But I knew not to go back there. I took a step back and realized that I just needed to be healthy and happy. So over spring and summer I just went back to eating good, and having a balanced diet. I work out everyday, not including weekends, but only up to an hour. I eat what I want and I don't feel guilty about having a cookie or a milkshake or even eating a bag of cookie dough (while I write this). 

I have lost weight this summer and feel good about myself. My new goal weight is 150, and I am not going to obsess over it if it does not happen. I still have days where I look at my body and see problems but three years ago I couldn't even look at myself in the mirror. I am so proud of where I am today. My body issues took up my teenage years, but they're not going to take up my future. I am a stronger person from what I have learned through those tough times.  

I am sharing my past and my story to show people that you can turn problems around. I would not be the person I am today without going through these experiences. This will always be a part of me and I will always have issues. They will resurface from time to time, but I know now how to get through it. My goal is to be happy and healthy and that is what I am going to work on for the rest of my life. Thank you for everyone that has helped me with my problems. Thank you to all of my friends for being there for me during the shitty times, and especially for my parents who had to witness this everyday, and tried their best to help me through something they could not understand. If you have problems like me or have an eating disorder, the best thing you can do is get help. I know you feel like the world is against you but it will get better. You have to decide to get the help you need and the treatment for your body and mind. You will always have this but you can will get better with time. You just have to try. 

Thanks for reading my journey with my eating disorder and body issues. I hoped this opened your mind or gave you the courage to get help if you need it. I will see you guys next week, but with something not as deep. Have a great weekend.